Breeding Sucks
by Jandi Aznor

The next time you go out in public, take a good look around. I'll spare you the suspense by telling you what you'll see:

Babies.

Shitty, fish-faced, stinking, lousy babies.

You'll see them by the bushel, my friends, because damn near every sub-moronic wretch on the planet has taken a notion to breed.

Never mind that children are as charming as hemorrhoids on a corpse. Never mind that the world's population growth has reached a crisis point. Never mind that anybody who would actually stoop to having children is an idiotic goat worthy of immediate execution.

Those who have been selfish and stupid enough to breed have turned simple procedures such as going to restaurants, attending theatres, and going shopping into a nightmarish ordeal for the rest of us. Oh, but we're all supposed to be charmed by children. Kids are supposed to be appealing, with their fucked-up little faces, horrific screeching voices, and chronically leaking orifices. If anybody sees any sane reason why my heart should be warmed by the sight of these glorified shit machines, please write.

For a real treat, try living in a neighborhood full of children, or infinitely worse, in an apartment complex full of them. There is no worse terror on the planet. And may heaven help you if you live in a trailer court, because there will be virtually no chance of escaping them there.

Children are grotesque creatures. They even sound grotesque. They simply cannot speak normally. They cannot talk without whining, and they can't do it within a legally permissible decibel level. Their horrid little voices make my blood run cold. The only more screwed-up sound in the entire universe than the voice of a child is the voice of its shrewish, undereducated nag of a mother. Of course, its stupid, loutish father will be even worse.

More despicable still are the ignorant, brain-stunted cows who beat their children in public--or at all. May their children grow up to ram daggers through their eyes. It is the nature of children to be shrieking, mindless, self-absorbed monsters. To be savagely beaten for this little oversight of nature is, simply put, a criminal act. Every mother who repeatedly uses her children for punching bags should be taken to the local town square and stoned to death--her children throwing the first stones, of course.

*

Children serve as the ultimate excuse.

Ever work with somebody who's got kids? What a colossal pain in the ass. I'm sure you've had this experience, because damn near everybody on the planet has got kids. Good luck trying to secure employment with people who don't have kids. Every time one of the little brats sneezes, there goes the concerned parent flying out the door.

"Cover for me, will you?" they'll say.

Of course, you'll smile sweetly while telling them to go fuck themselves.

Listen, if you get the sniffles, can you walk off the job like that? Hell, no. But since these people are breeders, they bloody well expect to get their way. Their annoying offspring can also phone up at the job twelve times a day, completely throwing business into a state of absolute unproductivity as Betsy Breeder grinds everything to a halt and settles some retarded little argument between her kids.

And the problem isn't just in the workplace.

If you're unfortunate enough to befriend somebody with children, just try making a date to do anything with them. Just try to maintain a relationship with old friends who have popped out babies. Maybe they'll wedge you in between Biffy's soccer practice and Tiffani's dance class. If they can manage to fit you into their busy schedule of Sesame Street and training pants, they might start talking wistfully about all the opportunities they used to have back before they became brain-dead breeders. They'll reminisce about the "good old days", back when they actually had lives. Perhaps you can go over to their house and dine on macaroni and cheese and rancid Kool-Aid while watching the little bundles of joy shit their diapers. Meanwhile, the parents will complain ceaselessly about the God-awful expenses and headaches associated with having kids. The parents are left with no free time, no intellectual stimulation, a half-assed sex life and no happiness whatsoever. And they fully expect you to sympathize with them, or worse yet, join them in their misery by spawning children yourself!

What bullshit.

Next time, just beat them over the head with a case of condoms.

*

On a more sinister note, the so-called "protection" of children is a prime excuse lurking behind the spectre of censorship. Just because the McBreeder clan decided to dish up a whole tribe of children doesn't mean that the whole damned world did. "Oh, we've got to protect the dear little children!" these imbeciles whine, usually when encountering items that are either artistic, intellectual, or sexual. Well, gee. Let's dummy everything down right now, so that nobody's kids (or more likely, their bumbling, candyass parents) will have to see atrocities like naked human flesh, depictions of sexual intercourse, or Michelangelo sculptures.

I like having my tastes dictated to me by five-year-olds and their culturally retarded parents.

Listen closely to almost any major-league censorship freak, and you'll hear the phrase "protect the children" come up again and again. Suddenly, this bogus concern rapidly begins overshadowing issues of free speech. It's insulting not only to thinking, rational individuals, but to the children in question. Children are usually not as stupid as their parents.

Remember, children have to be told that images are filthy, disturbing, and disgusting.

*

The same mentally-challenged pigs who are pro-censorship also tend to be anti-abortion. These two antiquated notions seem to go hand-in-hand, not unlike sodomy and Vaseline.

"Choose life!" these vapid creeps will bleat.

My question is, WHY?

Choose life, my ass. What these monsters are "choosing" actually involves no choice at all. The poor kid coming down the chute has no choice. That child is hardly begging to be born into decades of screaming hell with savage dumbshits for parents and a lifetime of wage slavery to look forward to afterward. And these clods who "choose life" will likely choose it several times, so the first mistake (i.e., kid) can have other kids to fight with. Ever seen two young siblings get together without fighting? No. Neither have I. So what's the appeal of having a multiple litter?

"You could be aborting the next Einstein," some brainless jackass will bray.

Right. But you're probably aborting the next Jeffrey Dahmer, instead.

*

A popular argument from the pro-life crowd is that more children are needed for the adoption pool. This has got to be one of the most obscenely stupid arguments going.

Why don't these pricks work on adopting the kids who are already languishing in the system?

Oh, that's right. Because that angry 13-year-old they forgot to adopt while they were yelling their lungs out at pro-life rallies isn't so cute anymore. What the majority of people really want is a brand-new, alarmingly white infant to program from scratch. No messy independent thought or weird ideas. Just a nice, pink little bundle of joy whose brain they can twist like a goddamn pretzel.

All you can hope for in such a case is that the baby grows up to hate their self-righteous adoptive so-called "parents" like the plague.

And of course, they will.

*

As for all the bleeding hearts who are afraid that abortion is a hellish experience for the child, they're almost certainly right. But have these selfish creeps done the math? The reality of the situation involves one single appointment in an abortion clinic versus endless years of torment, including a strong likelihood of physical violence, sexual abuse, head-warping in the public school system, religious indoctrination, a phony-ass work ethic, and a thousand other forms of real, gut-level pain.

Ah, but that abortion will hurt.

Right. And so will all the beatings that unwanted kid will get. And that's only the beginning. Ever been to a doctor's office and heard a baby getting needles stuck into its skin? That hurts, too. So does getting beaten up on the schoolyard. And let's not even venture into the wretched, endless emotional hell that children suffer on a day-to-day basis.

Instead of doing the right and merciful thing and only subjecting the child to pain once, these monstrous sadists would rather "choose life" and torment an innocent soul for decades.

If you see an anti-abortion crusader, please punch him in the jaw for me. Make it hurt.

*

Some of the Chinese have got the right idea, at least in this particular case. If someone is idiotic or unlucky enough to breed once, so be it. But on multiple such occurrences, the state should have every right to rip the little bastard right out of the mother's womb. There is no excuse for serial breeding, save perhaps in the isolated case of the death of a previous single child.

"But if I don't have babies, who will take care of me when I'm old?" some dumb bitch is probably whining right now.

If the only reason you spawned children was to saddle them with the mind-boggling task of caring for your sorry ass when you're old, then please do them--and all of us--a tremendous favor and kill yourself right now.

*

If you're worrying about the continuation of the species, please don't.

Thanks to rampant breeding, which is still being encouraged at every turn and in every quarter of society, the gene pool has been pissed in quite enough.

Only the most intellectually advanced individuals should be permitted to breed. Of course, such people wouldn't breed, because they're too smart. But theoretically, their genetics could be scientifically sampled and reproduced. These children can be cared for by specially-selected volunteers--people who are willing to give up every shred of dignity and happiness they ever once possessed (since that's precisely what parenthood calls for) for the noble cause of advancing human society.

That's how things would work in a perfect world. But in case you haven't pulled your head out of your ass long enough to notice, we're not living in a utopian situation.

We're living in a breeder's paradise.

*

Breeding is the ultimate feminist issue.

Rampant breeding makes virtual slaves out of women.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

No longer does a woman have to be tied to a man by way of having his babies. Being enslaved to a intellectually inferior man--i.e., the chronic breeder type--is akin to a woman hanging an iron chain around her own neck. Each added child is like adding a hundred pound concrete block to those chains. Eventually, the woman becomes so dragged down by tending to all these parasites that she ends up drowning.

And watch how quickly the uproar starts when the woman isn't happy about this situation.

The bogus institution of "the family" is exalted as the highest pinnacle of womanly achievement. Never mind that the little lady's a corporate executive. What kind of mother is she?

If you can't see the social and intellectual fallacy here, you are deluded.

*

There are millions upon millions of poverty-stricken people in the world today. And in the poorest of the poor countries, guess what the problem is?

You guessed it, Sherlock. A lack of birth control.

And inevitably, some guilt-provoking commercial will come on television asking gullible Americans to sponsor the children of these hapless breeders.

Sponsor them for what? So they can grow up and breed some more? So they can start screwing like rats at the age of twelve and add about ten more kids apiece to the disease-ridden bog they live in?

No, thanks. I'll help out when I can send my disaster relief in the form of condoms.

It's going to take harsh measures to stop these idiots. They're overpopulating the Earth. They're doing it every day. Statistics have proven that they're doing it every minute. If left unchecked, nature itself will devise ways to stop them. They'll be culled out the same way any animal surplus is. By disease, famine, or natural disaster.

Birth control is the most sacred gift ever given to humanity.

What a pity that the bulk of mankind is too fucking stupid to use it.

*

If you have not spawned children, pat yourself on the back, and consider the liberties, joys, and blessings of a child-free life. You have single-handedly taken control of your life and given yourself those liberties. Let me be the first in line to congratulate you.

If you have already produced children, please adopt the proper yoga position right now to give yourself a swift kick in the ass. And then make a vow before whatever god you worship to treat those children right. It is you who brought them here. They didn't beg to be brought into your home. Act accordingly.

The world does not need any new additions to its population. Thanks to brainless, unchecked breeding, there are quite enough people to deplete the world's food and water reserves, without some galloping clod knowingly adding to the global misery.

Rampant breeders are the most arrogant, selfish lot on Earth. They wish to censor the words of grown adults (among whom they apparently don't count themselves; they prefer to watch Barney in lieu of viewing art or reading literature). They rape the planet's resources and clog landfills with billions of diapers. Their behavior on the highway is utterly dangerous, since they choose to pay attention to their little snot-rockets rather than to the road itself. Ever phone up a breeder? If so, you'll probably end up talking to their drooling two-year-old, to whom the parent has handed the phone because it's "cute"--or you'll be interruped every two minutes while the parent runs off to take care of some Earth-shattering problem. Working with breeders is pure hell, and their chronic unprofessionalism as they fritter away the workday attending to (or continously talking about) their spawn is notorious.

Additionally, breeders are obscenely discriminatory in their housing practices. They've got full run of the globe, and can live anywhere they choose--but let one single landlord choose to not rent to families with children, and lawsuits are immediately pressed.

Breeders gobble fertility drugs to bless the world with more potential burdens. They shove their brats in people's faces, demanding compliments on how cute they are--and Christ help anybody who tells the truth--that all babies look like the same goddamn carp.

Parents get righteously offended when you tell them that you have a child-free home and will not allow them to trash your abode with their grubby, shit-flinging yard-apes. You are expected to pay taxes for schooling their brats. Taxes also fund the juvenile detention facilities that are necessary when these cretins fail as parents. Moreover, screeching children make attending public events virtually impossible to endure. Parents want to child-proof the entire world because they are too stupid and lazy to watch their offspring in the first place. They want to breed the planet right into extinction.

There are scores upon scores of reasons not to have children.

But you know the primary one:

Breeding sucks. End of story.